I ride to work nearly every day on a motorcycle. For a while, I was eating breakfast at home and bringing a bottle of water. As I’m not really a morning person, this slowly gave-way to buying breakfast on the way, at first occasionally, eventually EVER. SINGLE. DAY. I was bringing it to work for a little while, but then, as I realized I don’t actually like eating my breakfast (now cold) at work, I started eating it at the coffee shop…

And then I started drinking coffee, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I avoided this for so long, but it caught up to me, for reasons that are irrelevant, so let’s just say: I like coffee.

So then, since I’m not a morning person, I started waking up later, and not being able to enjoy my coffee at the coffee shop. Thus; I had to transport it to work, on a motorcycle.  And thus was born, this ridiculous solution to an unnecessary problem.

I am, by nature, a problem solver.  What’s the right solution?  A travel mug. Obviously.  But due to being something of an idiot, stubborn, lazy, and just generally having a penchant for creative solutions, that was not viable*

So you want to know how to get a coffee-to-go on your motorbike?  Look no further, curious kindred, for I will guide you to the ways of mobile beverage… man.

You will need…
To Bring:
– Bag (motorcycle tank bags will work dramatically better than… well basically anything else.)
– Towel (Experiment to find what works best for you, but you probably want something smaller than a beach towel)
– Expensive laptop, books, or other liquid sensitive 3-dimensional, mostly flat device(s)

To Buy:
– Cream Cheese

To Steal:
– Napkins.  An ample supply.

To Give Away:
– Dignity
– Pride**


Step 1:  Buy a cream cheese!

You have no idea how imporant this is, to the stability of the universe. Behold...

Step 2: Take the foil OFF the cream cheese container, and throw EVERYTHING ELSE AWAY (everything but the foil, that is)***

It is highly recommended that you wipe off any cream cheese from the foil, prior to the next step...

Step 3:  Purchase coffee, “to go” and place the foil on the drink hole

Some say there are better ways to plug a hole... fuck 'em!

Step 4: Open your BAG.  Make sure your expensive water/fluid sensitive devices make a relatively flat, stable footing.  These devices will be used to elevate your coffee cup, to shove it’s face in the top of the bag.**** Place the towel in the bag as shown, and the coffee (with foil) on top.  Make sure that the mouth hole is opposite the kick-stand side of your bike!

This is the precise moment people will start giving you strange looks. It's best to smile politely. If you can look a bit dubious as well, that is recommended.

Step 5: NAPKINS!


Step 6: Fold.

Towel that has been folded over coffee cup, one time(s).

Step 7: Fold… AGAIN!

Towel has been folded over coffee cup again, now for a total of two fold(s) over coffee cup. Two.

Step 8: close the bag!

You have closed the bag, so this is a closed bag. This bag is closed.

Step 9: Place the fully closed bag very carefully on motorbike.  You may now corner as hard as you want, and you will not spill your beverage [, man] (take that, cagers!).  Acceleration and braking may be done somewhat aggressively, as well, depending on how much coffee you drank prior to inserting the coffee cup into the bag.  Bumps should be avoided at all costs.  Wheelies and stoppies may cause beverage leaking.

Let's Riiide!

Step 10:  OPEN the bag!  It’s like a prize, every time, to see how much didn’t spill (my best is NO VISIBLE LEAKAGE AT ALL.  Beat that, suckers…)

Expensive water/fluid sensitive equipment dry, and ready for another roll of the dice.

Congrats!  You have just officially transported your coffee in one of the most ridiculous ways possible.  Every time you do this, just think:  Somewhere out there, Martin is making me feel just a little bit better about myself, by doing this every single day.



Footnotes are for chumps, that’s why I made them:

*OK, so here’s the deal:  I don’t like being a coffee addict, which I most certainly am, at the moment.  I’ve done good for myself at avoiding these things in the past, but coffee just helps. Obviously people understand this, since coffee is the second most traded product in the world (behind petroleum products).  Anyways, I feel like if I actually bought a legit travel mug, it would seal my fate of being addicted to coffee for the rest of my life.  It, somehow, makes it more real.  I’m in denial here, folks.  There, I said it.

**If you’re disinterested in giving away your dignity and pride, a possible solution is to also bring an ample supply of humility.

***Alternatively, you can purchase a bagel in addition to the cream cheese, and spread said cream cheese on said bagel, and consume said bagel (with the cream cheese you have literally just spread on it) as a delicious treat.  This process does NOT affect the beverage transportation process – it’s just a nice perk!

****I am not responsible for damage caused to you, or to any of your stuff, particularly the expensive water/fluid sensitive devices.  If you’re unlike me, and somewhat intelligent, you will start with a shorter bag or just buy a larger sized coffee to avoid this situation.  Me?  Expensive electronics.